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The Lesbian Mafia Manifesto: because Lesbians are not bisexual. Learn it b*tches. Leeearn it! We love our bi friends, but they are not lesbians.

After decades of media and porno assault on lesbian sexuality, identity and culture, if anyone ...male, female, gay, bi, try, or otherwise - gets the simple truth above twisted, then they’re phobetards. Can't help ya. We understand that nothing in life is black or white, and there are myriad reasons lesbian women can wind up living heterosexual lives: internal or external homophobia, bad relationships, economic concerns, religion, kids, or the fact that most lesbians can make just about anyone go running with their hair on fire back to straightsville . But for the most part, it’s really simple: if a woman regularly enjoys the menz, she is NOT a lesbian. End of. She may be primarily attracted to women and/or “lesbian-identified” or whatever, but she isn’t a lesbian if she's mixing it up with dudes; that's called bi or queer.

And please do not come with Jerry Springer questions about your gay guy friend who had sex with your lesbian friend under a magnolia tree back in 1992, got preggers and they had a baby named Emily, and ask ... “Is she a lesbian?” Look, we don’t know WTF your friend is! Thanks! Catch you later, potato!